How Shall I Start Again?

You came when my heart had grown cold.

I knew I hadn’t always been this way.

But every single time it was crushed to pieces.

You came when trust was shattered.

I’d spent all energy in me to keep hope alive.

But each time I tried it ended a disaster.

 

Tade came and chiseled a part. I picked myself up and tried again.

Greg came and chiseled a part. I picked myself up and tried again.

Ahmad came and chiseled a part. I picked myself up and tried again.

Okoye came and chiseled more than enough portion for one person.

He was the last straw. I stopped trying.

 

Then you came.

You came when there was nothing left to love.

You came when I had nothing left to give.

You came when my sweetness read negative.

You came when all I had was chaff and debris.

Great guy, bad timing. I said to myself.

 

I was cold and distant. I was rusty and irritable.

I attacked and hurtled you on many fronts.

I wanted you to leave so badly.

I was eager to add you to the statistics.

But you came and you stayed.

 

You worked me through countless ill-wirings.

You stayed despite the cruel stones I flung at you.

Patience was your other name. Stamina was your strong suit.

You could have left. But you stayed.

You could have given up. But you didn’t.

 

I’m whole now. I’m healed now.

I’m better now. I’m finer now.

I’m nicer now. I’m pleasant now.

No longer lacking. No longer needy.

No longer crying. No longer lousy.

 

But…

 

 

Just when I thought our bond would become stronger

I realized you only knew to love a broken me

Just when I thought I was going to fully embrace all of you

I realized you were ill-equipped to accept a whole me.

 

My need was your attraction. My brokenness was your pull.

A damaged me you held dear. A recovered me you couldn’t receive.

Just when I thought we would be smooth-sailing

I realized I was completely losing you.

 

I’m heart-broken again.

How shall I start again?

Written by juwonodutayo

Writer. Tutor. Speaker. Blogger. Roger Federer Fan.

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