When my wife and I were courting, I wanted so much to show her how much I loved and valued her. I also wanted everyone to know heaven had smiled on me; the wait was over and I had found the one. So, I would post her picture on Facebook and would give it a romantic caption. Other times I would simply wax poetic about my love for her. My smile was bigger, my gait was swifter and my focus became sharper.

If I was in a conversation with you long enough, her name would pop up effortlessly. A day wouldn’t go by without me eulogizing her. I was in love and you bet, I was not shy about it. All my writing and poetry skills artlessly found a medium of expression. It was as if they were hibernating and then Toluwalogo showed up and BOOM! They got freedom to roam.

We got married and the tempo was heightened. Like every other day, I found some romantic thought, some love line to put on my status along with her picture. It was bliss. It was sweet cruise.

After a while, I began to feel that I was the only one this love was ‘shacking.’ I felt I was the only one, this love was ‘doing.’ Because she was not expressive and spotlighting as I was, I concluded it was not ‘doing’ my wife the way it was ‘doing’ me. And that made me a bit sad and disappointed. And to make matters worse, I would put her picture up with a romantic line and she would not acknowledge it! What?! Four or five days after it had been up, her friends would be the one teasing her about my status, then she would check and see my BBM status. It was then she would come back and say, Thank you. It was very annoying. I felt I was wasting all my love, devotion and adoration. And I felt what was the point of continuing when the object of my love did not even care about my effort and the work I was putting in.

I told myself, “No more!” And I stopped. I stopped the FB posts. I stopped the BBM status thingy. I stopped writing. I just didn’t want to do them anymore. I mean, what was the point? She wasn’t even noticing.

Guess what? I stopped and she didn’t notice I stopped!! She didn’t! You know how you stop doing something just to get someone’s attention and probably make them to act better. I tried it. It didn’t work. My wife didn’t feel or notice anything. Her life continued. Nothing changed. Nothing felt different.

More frustrating was the fact that by stopping, I felt like fish out of water. I wasn’t myself. I was (am) naturally expressive and not being able to express myself felt like being imprisoned. I felt like a nursing mother whose breast was full of milk but had no child to breastfeed.

It was while I was in that state that I asked myself several pertinent questions. “Were you doing all you did just for praise and appreciation? Was it all for attention or accolades? What was your motivation really? Why do you do what you do?” My answers changed my perspective and attitude forever.

Have you seen a nursing mother with full breastmilk and her baby not feeding as much as they need to? She is uncomfortable. She is restless. The breast aches. It could lead to mastitis or abscess. She would search the house for bottles to express the milk into.

She finds a release, regardless of the baby’s need for milk. Why? Because when you are full, you let out and release, regardless.

I imagine a Christian is like a nursing mother full of breastmilk; full of love to give, as bestowed upon us by God. Full of kindness, full of faith, full of joy, full of compassion, full of godly character. Such are the things we are full of. By default, those are the virtues we release. At conversion, we received a new setting. We were translated from darkness to light. So, all that Light is about is programmed into us.

So we are wired to give, regardless.

It’s okay for your goodness to be acknowledged, but Regardless, we remain good.

It’s not bad to want your kindness reciprocated, but Regardless, we stay kind.

It’s nice to know your commendation was noticed but Regardless, we continue to give.

Whether I get their reaction or not, whether they notice it or not.

Whether they requite it or not, whether they even the score or not.

Anyhow. Anyway. In any case. Regardless.

There are character traits God has worked in you over the years. There are trainings He has given you through the ages that have turned you into the person that you are today. Your personality is not by happenstance, it’s a testament of your walk and relationship with God. When you take your personae into a relationship, it’s abnormal to make the other a remote control that determines when you are to be kind or not. Your partner is not some device or mechanism that turns you from sweet to sour. If that happens, maybe you really were not a sweet person in the first place.

It took me two years after marriage to accept that my wife was/is not the PDA type or a social media person. I had thought every woman was. So, I was expecting from her what she was not wired to give, and I was trying to force my love expressions on her. It didn’t work.

I wish I could tell you that ten years after, she is now acknowledging my PDA gestures and reciprocating in SAME measure as regards my style of expressing love. I wish. Of course, there has been tremendous conscious effort and progress from her, however, she is not me; our personalities are different. Her personality and essence remains true. Her style is different and that I have grown to embrace. She is private, a behind-the-scenes kind of person. Very furtive and off screen. She is effusive in her love, but she is also esoteric with it. It dawned on me it really doesn’t have to be as I show it. She really doesn’t have to be like me to love me. And I really don’t have to look out for her response to love her like I should. We love, regardless.

Marriage is not 50-50. It’s not, when she uses my picture as DP, then I will use hers as DP. It’s not, when she buys me a shirt, then I will buy her a skirt. It’s not, she didn’t give me a gift on my birthday, she shouldn’t expect anything on hers. Grow up! Marriage isn’t that!

Marriage is John 13:34  “As I have loved you, so you must love one another.”

How has Christ loved you?

While you were dead in sin, He died for you. That’s how. While you were undeserving, He shed His blood. That’s how. And even now that He has saved you, you still continue to mess up but His love remains Constant. That’s how. He didn’t wait for you to straighten up before He chose you, He’s not waiting for you to have it all together before He helps you. He loves you REGARDLESS.

Christ is your measuring standard for doing anything to and for your partner.

So when you wax romantic, do it Regardless.

When you give, do it Regardless.

When you care, do it Regardless.

When you love, do it Regardless.

Do it because the Father has lots and lots of deposit in you and your default setting is to release out of the abundance you have received. Love, regardless.

A little brown cork fell in the path of a whale who lashed it down with its angry tail. But, despite the blows, it quickly arose and floated serenely before his nose. Said the cork to the whale, “You may flap and sputter and frown, but you never can keep me down. For I’m made of stuff that is buoyant enough to float instead of to drown.”

As a Christian, you are made of stuff that is powerful and transformative enough to love than to hate or be spiteful. Your genetic code carries Christ and that is what predetermines your actions and reactions. When a man and a woman have this understanding and mindset and come together in a marital relationship, the resultant marriage is a beauty to behold. When husband is resolved to do 100% and wife is also on that resolve, what they have is a healthy competition to outdo each other in love.

A story is told of a weary traveler who was passing along a lonely roadway and noticed in his path a

dry, shriveled leaf. Picking it up, he was amazed at the lovely perfume it exuded.

“Oh, you poor withered leaf,” he exclaimed, “whence comes this exquisite perfume?”

The leaf replied, “I have lain for a long time in the company of a rose.”

Be a rose.

Love, regardless.