Am I in love? Or am I in trouble?

You swept me off my feet, Ben. You did by doing nothing in particular. Sheer fact that you hung around and made jokes at the littlest things, my heart fell hopelessly in love with you.

And slowly, as if I was charmed, I started giving. And straightaway you started taking. Maybe I was charmed. Once I gave my heart, everything else followed.

I gave. You took.

Am I in love?

I daydream about you at work. I imagine a future together with you. And I work assiduously to make this dream come to be and to make this future real. So I keep giving.

I give my time. My time is spent with you. I align my schedule to suit yours. I cancel other engagements to make room for yours. I spend less time with friends just to be with you.

Am I in love?

I give my money. I buy the gifts. I pay the bills when we hang out. I buy the tickets for events or shows you like. Your likes became my likes. Your friends became my friends.

I give my dreams. I align my ambitions to fall in step with yours. I adjust my life’s goals so they be in sync with yours. I even started liking your favorite food. I copied your catch phrase. I think about you and my lips part into a smile.

I laugh at your jokes. I hang out with your folks. I support your ventures. And I give Tim and Tom no chance to even make their intentions known.

Am I in love?

My priorities changed.

My habits were altered.

My mannerisms improved.

Am I in love?

 

I was wrapping a gift for you this morning when Ufom stopped and asked, ‘Is the feeling mutual? What has he given you?’ At first I thought it was a silly question. I also thought it was an easy question. But she waited for my answer. I opened my mouth to reel out all you have done or given and….

I searched. I really searched. I sat me down and I looked around me as my friend watched in bewilderment. I thought deeply and I couldn’t lay hold on anything, I couldn’t find anything. It felt ridiculous. I was shocked. And more shocked that it never occurred to me till now. I never thought of it. I was busy giving and I didn’t see.

Don’t get me wrong, Ben. I am not given to frivolities and I am not one who is particular about material things, I was only searching for a sign, a tiny weeny little sign that the feeling is mutual, that my gestures are being reciprocated and that you are in this as much as I am.

I found none, Ben.

Then it dawned.

Could it be my gifts you craved and not me?

Could it be my benefits you noticed and not me?

Could it be the aids you wanted and not me?

 

Am I in love or am I in trouble?

 

 

Photo credit: Google images

 

Written by juwonodutayo

Writer. Tutor. Speaker. Blogger. Roger Federer Fan.

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