I Know Why You Said Yes!

You look at the ring. You look at your mama’s face. You look at your friends and buddies. You look at your family. How was he able to make everyone turn up? You look at Tayo and you desire to know how he flew in from Nigeria. You look at Osas and Kelechi, you imagine the work they put in to pull this all up together. You look at your baby sis as she perches in one corner grinning from here to here. You look at the beautiful setting chosen as venue. You look at the breath-taking scenery. You look at how much this would have cost. You look at the smiles on everyone’s faces. You look at how anxious they are, waiting with bated breath, just waiting for you to scream Yes!

You look at all these….your eyes return and you see him. In that micro-mini second, you SEE him. Like a blaze, the entirety of your relationship flashes before you.

You see him. You see what others are not seeing. You see your fights, you see the many flights. You see several unhappy days you share. You see the numerous sleepless nights, you see many wet pillows. You see the off and on threats and abuse. You see the discordancy. You see it all glaring at you. In that micro-mini second you shred off the designer jacket he has on, unbuckle his Gucci belt and wristwatch, pull off his clothes, remove his shoes and you see him for who he really is. And because you see you know and because you know you know you want better.

But everyone is waiting. The cameras are well positioned, paparazzi is waiting. They have encircled you now and they are waiting.

You look again.

The ring is beautiful, the atmosphere is redolent. The ambience is exotic. He is still on one knee. Everyone is whispering, Say Yes! Even the guests in the room have joined the party now all looking expectant. The pressure! Fear grips your heart tight and your feet wobbles. Tears drop and your lips quaver. They think you are overwhelmed with enviable love feelings, they think you are swooned by the public show of affection. But your tears have deeper roots they are oblivious of, your sobbing knows yawning sorrows they would never imagine.

And with conflicting emotions you open your cakehole and mumble a gloom-laden Yes. The room lights up. Fireworks! Applause! Celebrations! Everyone rejoices. The video man keeps saving the moment for posterity, the photographer keeps taking his shots for memories, and friends continue to cheer. Many hugs and kisses, several congratulatory messages, plenty to eat and drink, social media will be agog with the news. The posts will gather hundreds of thousands of likes and views. This is what fairy tales are made of.

And everyone is happy, everyone except you.

And no one notices! And no one knows.

You manage a smile and chide yourself. Come on, if you weren’t that happy with him, you could have said so long time ago and go your separate ways. Why would you wait till now and be a party pooper? So much going through your head as you caress the ring. We will work it out. I will cope and bear. We will seek counselling. It can’t be all that bad. I mean, everyone likes him, maybe I’m just being paranoid. It’s not that serious. We will be fine. He’s a good guy. He has his weaknesses, no doubt, but really, who doesn’t? I mean, there are no perfect men out there. So, it’s okay. And with all that self-talk, you lighten up and cheer up. You join in the party and laugh with your friends and family as they take turns admiring your rock finger.

The party is over now. Everyone leaves now. And it’s the two of you now. No cameras. No paparazzi. No lights. No exotic ambience. And as reality settles in on you, so you settle. And you struggle. Days turn into weeks. Weeks crawl into months. And you struggle. At each bus stop for a critical decision, you remember the proposal, you think ‘what will people say’ and so you reconsider. All the signs scream at you but you silence them and trod on. You hang in there. You give it another shot. And another shot. And another shot. Till you got no shots left.

Push comes to shove and it dawns on you that your once dashing smile has disappeared. You realise your radiance is waning and you desperately want your peace of mind back. You realise you are unwilling to jeopardise your happiness on this altar. And you ask yourself, ‘what do I stand to lose?’ You weigh your options. And you discover, nothing, absolutely none of the material comforts and pleasures measure up to peace, joy and self-worth. None of the sporadic make-up dinners is worth an ounce of your dignity and respect. You see the light, finally. So you gather your courage from all the places they’d been scattered. You turn in the ring with all other fringe benefits and luxuries the relationship provided. And very unlike the proposal, this is solemn, and this needs no shutterbug.

You walk out of the door, lift up your head, take a deep breath in, wait a few seconds and then let it out. In that one long breath you know what you gained is incomparable to what you lost. And regardless of ‘what will people say?’ you know if his presence doesn’t make any impact, his absence pretty much won’t make a difference.