Scene 1.

Taiwo endured abuse in her marriage for three years. She had many bouts of depression and countless heartaches. She reined it all in just to keep the image of their assumed ‘fine couple’ together.

Taiwo hit a threshold. It happened again, it was the last straw and it broke her camel’s back. She asked herself, ‘what makes it right for him and not right for me?’ And the answer she got fired her up. And BOOM! She started dealing him in the same coin. At first he thought it was a joke. The discreet phone calls became regular, late night phone calls more frequent and late night chats recurrent. And then one evening, she went out again and didn’t return till the following day.

He got the memo.

All hell broke loose. The seemingly calm boat of the marriage was rocked. He waited up for her one night till she returned, ‘We need to talk.” The conversation was hot, the accusations were many. They shouted at each other. They screamed obscenities at each other. And when they were tired, they slept off, on the couch.

When they calmed down, resolutions were made. He zipped up. She deleted the fake contacts. And they lived happily ever after.

It’s been two years after, Taiwo is happy and so is her husband. Amen!

Scene 2

Uchenna couldn’t bear it any longer. She was slaving paying bills, he was lounging changing phones. He claimed he didn’t have but the travels were frequent, new cars kept coming in and the wardrobe was not scarce of designer wrist-watches. She kept buying house supplies and paying rent, he kept servicing his toys and crawling in at night. Uchenna had had enough. She didn’t visit any pastor, she reported to no friend. She drove herself to the spa and had a good full body massage. She fixed her hair and went shopping. She loaded the car with shoes and bags, wigs and colognes. She came home, watched TV and drank wine. She’d learnt how to take care of herself with her money. She didn’t say a word, she only pampered herself. And at night, she would watch comedy on YouTube and laugh herself to sleep.

Then the bills kept piling up. Landlord kept calling. School administrator kept ringing. The supplies dwindled, the provisions were exhausted and the fridge became empty. And Ugo got the memo – ‘we need to talk.’

It was fiery. Third parties stepped in. A new rule book was made. Two months, the issues were resolved and balance was restored. The extravagant lifestyle stopped and sanity returned.

Scene 3

Five years of marriage. Four affairs. Three beatings. One regular side chic. Iyesogie’s story.

And the creed remains, create a War Room! Stay there and make it work.

What does that even mean? Like War Room is the solution to every marital issue now. If he beats you black and blue, create a war room. If he crawls in wee hours of the morning, create a war room. If he is not fulfilling his responsibilities, create a war room. I don’t get it. Life was pretty cool and breezy before she said ‘I do,’ suddenly she marries him and her preoccupation would now be to spend hours praying for him for God knows how long! I am not understanding.

How about gathering all the men in church and inviting him over to a ‘picnic’ and physically beating some sense into him? What’s wrong in trying that out? How about pulling the woman away and let him be stripped of all privileges and benefits? Oh, you think that would be giving him free passage into infidelity. Then he wasn’t in the marriage in the first place. Good riddance! How about a retreat? He is the defaulter, subject him to seven days fast and let the demons be driven out of him. How about that? War Room is not the only option. Anyway, I digressed.

Iyesogie changed the settings. After years of misery, crying and begging, and no result, she disconnected. She was in it but was not in it. She stayed in but moved on with her life like she was single. She partied with friends, she hung out with family, and she poured her energy into her work where her value was recognized and appreciated. She pretty much got her groove back.

And guess what, Osas got the memo. Her life was getting better without him. It got to him. She got his attention. He flared up. I didn’t know for what, really! He wouldn’t condone it. They fought. Third parties stepped in. The two families had to sit it out. And after several back and forth meetings, several changes and resolutions made, Iyesogie and Osas are back together. And life got better. Amen.

Two wrongs, sometimes, do make a right.

There are several ways of taming animals. One size does not fit all. The way you tame a cobra is not the same way you tame a turtle. How you tame a sea cucumber is not how you tame grizzly bears. Different animals, different taming mechanisms.

There are certain husbands spouses that cannot be tamed by a mild approach or War Room. They would not hear one word in an hour long lecture on honesty or faithfulness. They would not move a muscle as long as they are being indulged. They would just remain set in their ways. Being docile with a cobra-spouse won’t work. He will kill you. Cobras are bullies and manipulators, you stay docile, you die. And he will marry another in less than a year! But we ask her to create a war room and sign up to a lifetime of praying for a philandering husband for the rest of her life, and I am asking, aren’t there more productive ventures and dreams to use your faith life and prayers for than a lifelong of praying to redeem a wayward spouse? As in, you got married, and suddenly all other dreams and ambitions you had become extinct and your calling is now to design some ‘war room’ in your house to tame a man! Come on! God isn’t that wicked and wasteful.

I see all these ladies and I am thinking, just a thought ni o, what if you deal with him in his own coin? Is he cheating on you, do same! I know your religiosity would condemn me now and question if I am truly a Christian or not. I actually don’t mind. You know what, do me a favour, just stop reading, maybe this piece is not for you.

Condoning and keeping quiet about a wrong being meted out to you is criminal! You are just as guilty as the one who is committing the crime. And if you continue in it, posterity will judge you! Your children may suffer from it. The next generation may not forgive you.

Why should he be beating you black and blue and you keep quiet? Why should he be scattering his seeds everywhere and you shut up? Why should he be coming home at very ungodly hours and you refuse to do anything about it? Haven’t you seen that your silence so far hasn’t made him change his ways? Have you not noticed how he has become more resolved to hurt you deeper and treat you lesser?

Oju lile la fi n gbomo lowo ekuro. Someone help me with the English translation.

Don’t fall for that jiggery pokery that if he cheats it’s because there is something you are not doing right. Maybe you are not satisfying him in bed, maybe you are not dressing well, maybe you need to cook better meals, maybe you’re not praying enough, maybe you’re disrespecting him, maybe you are this, maybe you are that. Can we address the issue already?! He is a goat! Simple!

We just suddenly grow soft with adulterous men and believe we must handle them with kids’ gloves. How has that worked for us so far? Look around, has it curbed men’s excesses or has it further promoted the trade? Do we have a legion of unfaithful men today than we’ve ever had it in generations past? Are you waiting till he brings you some sexually transmitted disease before you cry out? When a man believes you have no options, he can be a beast.

Let’s review this mind-set. Let’s explore other options.

Fight it! Stop taking it! Run for help!

He comes home drunk and throws up all over the floor. Before, it was written, clean him up, pack his vomit, change his clothing, and clean him up. But now I tell you, take pictures of him in that state and show him when he is back to his senses. Threaten you will send it to his mum or forward it to his boss.

Is he having an affair? Before it was written, be more creative in bed and cook him his favourite meal. But now I tell you, change your wardrobe, have a make-over and hit the road.

Let’s tweak the settings, let’s explore more drastic measures.

(My wife called me from a meeting and asked that I cancelled the last two paragraphs. Baby, it’s done, it’s cancelled.)

At least we learnt in school that  – X –  =  +

This table I’m shaking has all of us on it.

Have a nice weekend.