Sometimes being a single guy is hard to deal with.

Dealing with a single lady is even harder. The reason isn’t far-fetched. They are a bit like the curate’s egg; only the bad parts are more than the good parts. Their antennas would pick and query every little thing. With them, everything is over sensitized. Every word would be scrutinized. Every gesture would be analysed. You are practically walking on eggshells. Quite easily saturnine. Rather effortlessly dewy-eyed. They could be thorny. They could be touchy. You never know what you would get. You are not sure if your laughter would be misinterpreted. You never know if your jest would be misconstrued. And you definitely can’t tell if they would take offence at your silence.

Sometimes they are a tempest in a teapot. Sometimes you are caught between fright and fascination. Poignant moments. Soppy love songs.

When you cough you must have a reason. When you sigh you must have an explanation. “Why are you staring?” What’s on your mind?” “Why did you laugh?” “Why didn’t you smile?” “Why did you sigh?” “Why did you call?” “Why didn’t you call?” “Why did you come?” “Why didn’t you come?” “I was expecting you.” “I wasn’t expecting you.” What do you want woman?!!!

They grill on your motives with those gimlet eyes. And strip you bare with their stares. Theirs is an innate ability that makes friendship so serious and burdensome. A snake pit kind of situation. It throws me.

As I write this, I hear a child crying from the neighbourhood, “helloooo!!! Please, open the door for me!” As it were he had locked himself in and could not find his way out. No one likes to be airtight, closed in and unable to get out.

Ouch! This boy still screams. Unfortunately I’m unable to help him. Allow me dwell on him a bit. Permit my imagination take wing. I want to think he didn’t orchestrate his being locked in. The room is his parent’s/guardian’s. He was playing with his toys when the former went out and left him alone in the room. The door slammed shut after a while, as the wind blew. He was startled but then, he didn’t bother. He felt an urge, later on, impulsively, he decided to go out. And as he turned the door knob, it dawned on him the door wouldn’t open from inside. Sick fear coils in the pit of his stomach, crawls on his belly through his mind. He tried harder and no success. Rage sizzles in his blood. He banged hoping to draw anyone’s attention. No response. His emotions rises to such a pitch that a loud cry escapes from him. “Hellooooo!!! someone please help me open the door!!!”

Follow me. Supposing, just supposing, a Good Samaritan {maybe me} goes and helps him with the door. It’s not impossible that after the door is opened, this boy may not have cause to leave the room again. It probably wasn’t because he had anything to do outside that made him call for help. His call for help could be because he realised he had been shut in. D’you agree? His call for help could be because he needed some fresh air to come in. The room gets stuffy sometimes. It could be because he wanted to some view. Just the awareness that there are people around. It could also be for light. Illumination makes darkness disappear. His fear is not the room. His fear is not the door. His fear is his inability to open the door and leave if and when he desires to. Leave the door ajar, he may not leave. Leave the door shut, he still may not leave the room. But, let him turn the door knob and finds out he cannot get out, a flesh-crawling fear grips him and he shouts, “Please help me open the door!”

Do you see where I’m going yet?

Every room has an entrance/exit unit, haven’t you noticed? We call them doors. We sometimes leave them ajar, we sometimes shut them. Sometimes we install locks for security purposes; to keep away rodents and flies. However, it’s always key for us to know we hold the control.

It’s same with all forms of friendships and relationships. They all have entrance/exit units. For the number of years you have lived, you would have experienced in one form or another people walking in and walking out of your ‘room’. Some you orchestrated. Some you didn’t. For some, you woke up one day and found out they were gone. And you couldn’t figure what happened, till today. They left without saying Goodbye. They left without any warning signs or cautionary notes. In all we realize the most productive friendships we would ever have would never be from those we shut in or forced to stay. It would be from those who knew they their loyalty was not cajoled and their commitment was not bullied.

Let’s come home. No one likes to be airtight, closed in and unable to get out – not even a small child. Not that he wants to get out, but his security and confidence lies in the fact that if and when he decides to leave (and that may be inevitable, sometimes) he is not restrained from leaving. And lots of times, it’s not that he wants to leave but making him feel he can’t leave, he’s stuck with you, that’s arrogating to yourself the right to decide his future. No gentleman risks the loss of his honour like that.

The room gets stuffy sometimes, you know. Trust is, ‘Friend, the door isn’t locked, and you can leave even though I trust you will not.’ Knowing he is not withheld from leaving is what makes most of them stay. Knowing you are secure and confident in who you are is sexy and attractive. That’s plain unvarnished truth. Sometimes he needs some laugh-in-your-face fearlessness, a touching air of confidence that he does not complete you, he only complements you.

So he stands at the door and contemplates whether to come in or not. Because somewhere in his subconscious he thinks if he enters, you will not only shut the door, you will put the key in, lock it up and throw the key away. And he tries to reason why you would do that. The answer comes readily – you have experienced a couple of ‘walk-aways’ that resulted in heart breaks. So your mind is deeply set now that whoever comes in here is coming to stay! And you are so unequivocal about it.

How do you deal?

He wouldn’t want to blame you for being so guarded. He wouldn’t exonerate you either for keeping him out.

How do you deal?