Oh the beauty of a new found love! Oh the joy and fascination when boy meets girl! It’s ecstatic. It’s euphoric. She listens when he speaks. He grins in admiration as words run smooth in her mouth like ripe banana. Her gestures are endearing. His remarks are alluring. They are both in awe of each other.
The idiosyncrasies at first meetings are thrilling. You guffaw at little inconsequential quirks of one another. Even the littlest gesticulations could be found amusing. And when he is alone, he presses the rePlay button of the day’s interactions. He is amused by the remarks he made that made her grin. She blushes at the fact that her oddities tickled him silly. And during that replay, his subconscious, her intuition is to do more of such in order to receive more of such.
after a while…
After a while you could almost preempt those quirky remarks and those witty gestures. After a while those eccentricities no longer needle you. And because you could anticipate them they no longer initiate the initial amusement you once felt. You no longer laugh at the various junctures of conversations that you used to laugh. You no longer get thrilled by the numerous gestures that used to get you thrilled. You have become used to them.
First meetings and interactions are intriguing but after a while, as you get acquainted, the fascination dies a natural death. The charm no longer works.
See-finish is a situation where a continuous repetition of your first works in a relationship no longer creates the effect it originally caused.
We all carry baggage. We are stumped with our many failings and shortcomings. Sometimes we do a fantastic job of covering it all up in our friendships and relationships. And sometimes we engage in many good works just so they dwarf and overshadow the weaknesses and flaws we have. Love comes along and, independent of our wills, bring us out of the carapace of protection we have created overtime. With fear and trembling, with shame and caution, and with time and affection, our soulmate sees us in all our vulnerabilities. They see the inadequacies we try so hard to hide. While we expect to be chastised and ridiculed, scorned and rejected, love in all its glory covers our multitude of sins and pump belief and hope in us. We respond in adoration and become drawn to its flames. We are provided warmth, we are assured of acceptance. And with these we willingly share more confidences.
But after a while…
After a while the same fire that provides us warmth comes back to singe us. After a while the confidences we share become hammer with which we are nailed. The same vulnerability they feel safe to expose becomes the tool for ridicule and disrespect. Their failings become the materials for jokes and mockery. And when hurled they are well packaged in colorful linens of familiarity.
See-finish is a state whereby you are ensnared to let lose your guards only for them to be used against you in the process of time.
Once upon a time, you identified with their imperfections. Once upon a time you treated their limitations with holy respect. Once upon a time, you shared in their struggles. But after a while, you got familiar. And all the awe and reverence, all the admiration and veneration, fizzled out as they got closer to you. Familiarity bred contempt. You see them finish!
See-finish is that phase you get to in your friendship or relationship, as a result of closeness, where you become predictable. They know where you will be. They know what you will say. They can tell how you will react. They can tell when you will come. They recognize when you procrastinate. They spot even when you lie. And you bet, all that knowledge didn’t come to them by witchcraft, it came because they got close to you. At first, such knowledge was endearing. I mean, you were glad she was the only one in a sea of many other friends who knew you that well. But overtime, such knowledge become weapons of scorn. They become sneering materials.
Exposure to their vulnerabilities eventually equips you with tools to tackle them during quarrels and arguments.
“There’s a special place in the pit of hell for those who let others be vulnerable and turn around to prey on their vulnerability.” Anonymous.
A superior who hobnobs too much with subordinates would after a while not be taken too seriously. A pastor who crack jokes with careless abandon among members of his congregation would after a while lose honor. A mother who does not draw the line between discipline and friendship with a child would be disgraced in public. A teacher who cannot balance relationship and hard work with his students would not hold his job for long.
See-finish can strip essence out of any relationship. It is more lethal when it is a love relationship.
‘I love your sense of humour’ after a while becomes ‘now everything is a joke to you.’
‘I like the way you take your time’ after a while becomes ‘you are just too slow for my liking.’
‘You are such a go-getter’ after a while becomes ‘you have to choose between this relationship and your career.’
‘You always go the extra mile for people’ after a while becomes ‘don’t you have anything important to do with your time?’
‘You really dress well’ after a while becomes ‘you are too extravagant, you spend all your money on clothes!’
Strangers don’t usually fall into the category of people we take for granted. It’s those we fraternize with that we are susceptible to disrespecting. It is those with whom you play that you end up playing. It is those you’ve drawn into your cocoon that you burn. They are brave enough to be vulnerable with you and eventually see-finish sets in. What draws you together later becomes source of intense irritation. Love became like water, soft enough to cleanse you but powerful enough to drown you.
It takes deliberate effort, outright commitment, and dogged determination to continue to stay awed by the same person year after year. To still keep the mystery about him/her after the initial gragra has worn off is no child’s play. See-finish is natural. The tendencies would come, the temptations would be strong but one must choose to stay discipline. Romantic love must be followed by committed love.
Again, we must also work at not being a prey to see-finish. Still keep some mystery about you. As odd as that may sound in a love relationship, it’s important. It is not about being secretive, it’s about being productive and dynamic. Always improving, always refining, always having more to unravel, always creating more to explore. Never stagnant, never mundane. Tweaking and fine-tuning, a firm resolution to keep stepping up your game. Like apps on your phone, periodic updates, constant upgrade, so the app does not crash.
One of the many things that keep a relationship/marriage vibrant is having something to look forward to. The fact that there’s so much to do and unravel together. That you two are about something bigger than you. It is what keeps the fire burning. Find ways of tweaking regularly what you have. Have tasks and goals you desire to see accomplish. And when you accomplish one, enjoy the victory but ensure you don’t rest on your laurels, create another.
Stay adventurous. Keep updating, keep upgrading.
See-finish is lethal, see to it that it does not kill what you have.