Question of the Week: ‘Are some people not meant to be in a relationship?’

We were all born into relationships. We are all born into relationships.

It takes the effort of a mother carrying a pregnancy for nine months before any of us showed up here. Even Jesus needed a Mary.

We didn’t choose the family we were born into. We had no say about who our father or mother would be. We came into it and whether we liked them or not, we were already here.

But life happened to all of us. And when it happened, if formed our beliefs, it shaped our mindsets and it influenced our choices. To those of us that life was favorable to, we embraced love. And to those of us that life dealt a hard blow, we resented love and all that had to do with it.

If you are not able to love yourself, you will be incapable of loving another. If you are unable to exorcise your painful past from your mind and system, you will keep going around hurting people who have not done you wrong. Hurt people hurt people. If your past has remained like gum in your shoes, and you are unable to pull it off, you will spread the virus and you will damage even people with good intentions.

So there is the need to fix yourself first because you can’t give what you don’t have.

I cannot say that some people are not meant to be in relationships because Divinity wired us in a way that we would need another. When a baby was born, he/she came out crying and needy. Needing the care of midwives, needing the love and care of a mother. From birth, we were structured to seek for support and to give it. We need one another. The baby needs the breastmilk to live. And the mother also needs to give it or else she would be in excruciating pain. Have you seen nursing mothers who express breastmilk just to throw away because their babies’ capacity could no longer take more? She has so much to give but the baby is full already.

Life happens to all of us.

In our sojourn, we meet people who badger and batter us. We meet damaged people who end up damaging us too. Our good heart ends up not being in good hands. And when that happens, our mindset becomes distorted and we build a wall around us to keep people away. We have been so badly hurt (either by parents, friends, loved ones, colleagues, soulmates, etc) that we have just become rusty and edgy, even when we intend to do good, only evil comes out. Sometimes we are even shocked at how we have become. So we decide to steer clear of relationship. We have been so inundated with wrong (relationships) that when right comes along, we can only perceive it with our wrong eyes.

We were never designed to be this way. Life happened to us.

And so I am of the school of thought that sometimes you need to fix yourself, or be on the road to fixing yourself so that you don’t keep spreading the virus.

We need each other. But I can be so badly hurt and disappointed that I am not able to receive the love a new love offers to give. It’s not his or her fault; it’s my past hunting me.

But we can all be healed. Healing is available to all. Healing is available to you.


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Written by juwonodutayo

Writer. Tutor. Speaker. Blogger. Roger Federer Fan.

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