If you want to know what we want as women you would have to take a journey down to when we were born, when we couldn’t tell our right from our left, when society (through our parents) played a critical role in shaping our desires. You would have to come along with us to that time in our formative years when our parents bought gender-stereotyped toys; race cars and soccer balls for boys, dolls and writing notepads for us girls.
You would also have to help us come up with explanations on why we talked sooner than boys and why we were able to read emotional expressions, and boys couldn’t tell the difference between a sad and happy face.
If you really want to know what we want, then you must acknowledge that we learnt potty training earlier than boys and we had considerably higher vocabularies than boys as early as 20 months. At a very early stage in our development we became more expressive and we waved bye earlier than boys did. You should be able to explain to us why no one ever frowned at us when we cried but when boys did they snapped at them, ‘You are a man! Men don’t cry!’
We said all these to let you know that we are wired differently and that makes what is important to us different from what men want.
If they played with racing cars and soccer balls, you should understand why they are unable to stay long enough in a relationship. Aren’t those who played with racing cars and soccer balls supposed to run? They walk away from their families and run away from good women who did nothing but to love them. If we painted and scribbled, tended our dolls and spoke earlier, you shouldn’t be surprised when we stay put in one place and work our butts off to make the relationship/marriage work. You shouldn’t be surprised why we always want to talk about our issues and find ways to resolve them. That is how Providence wired us.
However, sometimes, we admit, we don’t know what we want. Because after we have what we think we want, we realise we don’t want it anymore. And that happened with our choice of husbands. We had wanted you before we discovered it was what we thought of you that we wanted not what you really are. Our idea of you drew us to you only to find out you were not who we really thought you were and so we did not want you anymore but then it was too late and since we are ‘stayers and talkers’ we accepted the choice we made and we stayed hoping we would someday get to talk about it. If it were you, being the walker and runner you are, your patience would be short-lived, and once there is no more action, you run and you take a walk.
So, gentlemen, dear husbands, the following are the things we desire you to know about us. These are largely most of the things we want.
We desire an open, candid and unfailing communication. Let us know what is going on in your head. Put your phones and tabs away and talk to us. Share your thoughts, share your concerns and share your ideas. We want to have real conversations with you, engage you on a deeper level. We thought we were on that level when we were dating. It’s appalling how you no longer can last five minutes to just talk to us. Marriage didn’t make us dumb, you know.
It’s frustrating sometimes when we have to pray for you and we don’t even have specifics to pray about.
We want to feel protected physically, emotionally and financially. As practical as, if you can’t walk beside us, then walk behind us. Don’t be sauntering on in front and care less about what is happening to us behind you.
We want to feel protected from the darts of your family members too. You know, that feeling that we are covered and no one mess around with your wife. Shield us from abuse, be it internal or external.
- A spiritual leader
A leader who knows what direction he wants to take his family and he is up and about it.
One who is proactive and takes the initiative. He does not send his family to church, he takes them there.
- Celebrate us
Make us know there is no one else besides us. No other girl makes your heart gel apart from us
- A provider
I mean, we are no longer spinsters. One of the perks of marriage, as we were told, is that our husband will take care of us
Even if we have to take care of some bills, let us know it is not born out of necessity. That your chest is big enough to carry the load.
- Help out
Help out with chores. Help out in the kitchen. Help take the trash out once in a while. Don’t just cross your leg in the living room like you purchased some slave whose bid and call is to serve you and dance attendance on you. I know we are blessed with maids in the house who are paid to do these things. But we are partners, remember and more importantly we are friends. A friend helps his friend. If you see us get busy with these chores, please help out. Gary Chapman calls it Acts of Service. It may not be our primary language, it could be secondary or tertiary, whatever, it is still a language.
- Listen to us
Remember we are talkers. So please listen to all our blabbing. Sometimes we just need to release, let it out, download and if you are our husband, who else do we do it with if not you. When we witness an exciting event or experience a very sensational incident out there, we want to rush home to you and download. That’s the way we connect. If you are not the first person we think about to share it with then something is amiss. So bear with our idiosyncrasies and just listen. That’s marriage.
And we can tell you are listening when you ask specific questions about what we are saying.
- You’re no longer a bachelor!
Hellooooooo!!! You’re no longer a bachelor. You’re considered a responsible married man now. Please live the status. Come back home early. Call when you are going to be late. Spend time with the family. What you don’t give attention to dies.
- Compliments never run out of fashion
You remember how you swept us off our feet with all the encomiums and affirmations. That you have married us now does not mean we no longer want to hear them. In fact we need them now more than before. So never fail to dish it out to us in truckloads.
The following compliments will always work magic:
I love you.
I’m so proud of you.
I couldn’t have gotten here without you.
You look gorgeous.
- Say Sorry when you are wrong
Apologies has never reduced any man. Say sorry when you make mistakes.
Stop threatening us. It’s demeaning. It is just absolutely demeaning. Everyone deserves respect. The same way you place a high premium on it is the same way we do too. And we know it when you are using threats. At the end of it all it does not bode well for the two of us. So, please desist from it.
- Our definition for sex is intimacy
You want the act, we seek emotional connection. The end of the act is what matters to you, the process is what we value. That is how we are. If we are indeed your wives, try, just try and seek to satisfy us too. Once in a while prove to us that it is not just about you, that we are also considered. Show to us that it is important to you that we enjoy it. So be patient with us. Start the process in the morning with a beautiful text message when we are at work. Call in the afternoon just to check up on us or to inform yu will be picking the kids from school. Send a romantic quote (it doesn’t have to be original, you can download the app) during the course of the day to let us know you are thinking of us. And we tell you sincerely, the night will be easy. You will be so shocked at how we will ravish you when we lay our eyes on you.
- Don’t leave the raising of the children only to us
A mother cannot do it all. What a mother will say with a thousand words, fathers can say with only a stare. So let’s be a team and bring them up together.
- We want you honest
Honest about money. Honest about friendships. Honest about where you are. Honest about who she is. Honest about everything. Okay, maybe the only thing you are permitted to be dishonest about is our size and how we’ve gained 10 pounds.
No lies, please. If we know you are honest about money we would not make unnecessary demands and we will not nag.
- Answer your phone calls!
For Goodness’ sake, pick up your phone! Don’t forget we still remember how you make a dash for these phones whenever we called during our dating days. So what has changed now?
- Date nights and movie nights are still trending
A late night movie can refresh a sister and bring excitement to a dull day. It allows us to let down our hair, relax and enjoy your company. We can be overwhelmed with responsibilities and To-Do lists sometimes but when you take us out and give us a treat, it just reaffirms the fact that we are still your babe and that gesture reenergizes us.
- A go-getter
There’s something sexy about a man who knows what he is about and just goes for it. He does not just talk the talk, he walks the talk. It is important for us that you do what you say you would do and not bring up hundreds of excuses on why you are not able to do it. As your wives we see the track record. And they show whether you are a go-getter or not. It’s easier to follow a man who has a sense of direction and there are positive results to show for it. If such a man wakes us up early in the morning and say we are going to Kutuwenji, we will get up drowsy and carry our bag and just follow. Just like that.
- Tell us you love us
Seriously, why is that so difficult, really? Why? When did it suddenly become a taboo that you cannot say it or text it or even show it?
Tell us you love us. We want to hear it. We will never tire out of hearing it. It’s that important to us. Say it at the end of a phone call, end your text message with it. Write it in a note and drop it in our bags.
- Quality time.
Let’s talk about quality time. It is kids-free time. It’s you and I time. No phones, no tablets, no laptops, no TV. It’s bonding time. It’s undivided attention. It’s look-me-in-the-eye-and-chat-with-me time. It can be in our room when the kids have been put to bed or it can be a date night with a bottle of wine. It’s a time to relax. It could even be taking a walk together or playing tennis together. Or the two of us go for a swim together.
Once in a while, amidst the hustle and bustle of this fleeting life, let’s steal away and enjoy the company of each other.
- Care for us.
If we complain we have stomach upset, it’s not an opportunity to school us on how we don’t watch what we eat or how we eat too much. And instead of asking us to go and take medication, can you bring it to us with a glass of water? It will not de-man you at all. If we tell you we are tired, instead of saying ‘go and sleep’ can you circle us, rub our temple, place your hands on our shoulders and just give a soft massage?
Show some care.
Supporters also need support. Helpmates also cry for help.
- Have a good sense of humour
We are not asking you to be a stand-up comedian, neither are we asking you to become a joker. Just the basics of knowing how to tell and take a joke. And also, calm down and relax a little. Life is not so serious. Be fun to be with. Make us look forward to when you will be home. Let it not be that when the kids hear the sound of your car, announcing you are home, they start scampering around and running away to their rooms. Come on, that is not what makes you a father.
- Affection and understanding
Appreciate the effort we make to keep the home running. Even if it’s not financial, it is still important. Understand that we cannot be perfect at it. So we will make mistakes. Bear with us. It’s not deliberate that the plantain got burnt or the rice was too salty. We are fallible
Sometimes do things without our asking you to. It’s loveburst when you do. It means you are affectionate, it means you are thinking of us.
- Spoil us with consistency.
Consistency is so appealing. It communicates stability, dependability and reliability. It means we can count on you. Every wife desires that in her husband.
Spoil us with consistency.
Shower us with devotion.
And then watch us glow.
- Support us
We need you to know that your opinion about us ranks higher than any other person’s. So if you don’t believe in us, we have difficulty sometimes believing in ourselves. Have you seen any ember of ambition or passion in us, help fan it to flame. Encourage us to go back to school, inspire us to take up the course. Motivate us to start the business and be a backbone of support when the demands or the challenges affect our wifely or mommy duties.
A confident man knows he is not in competition with his wife. He is not intimidated when she succeeds, neither is he unsettled when she flourishes. When you belittle our success and make light of the progress we make, we know it’s a sign of insecurity in you and we also know it’s abuse.
A confident man empowers his woman and make her be all that she is destined to be. He pushes her till she fulfills her dreams and achieves her goals.
- Commitment to the relationship and marriage.
Through thick and thin, stay.
Whether rain or shine, stay.
When we are both committed to it, it can only get better.
- Keep wooing us after you’ve won us.
Never stop dating us. Never ever stop playing with us.
For 27 Precious things husbands want their wives to know, read here.