This is as real as it gets.
Men, especially husbands, know what they want. That they don’t say it does not mean they don’t know. If you ever asked, what do men/husbands want, then this is for you.
- We love you
We might not say it often, we might not show it often but we really do.
Forget about the ego trips and macho stunts, we love you, warts and all. As far as we are concerned you are irreplaceable.
- We need you to respect us
This list may not be in order of priority but if you ever need to look for the most important point, this will suffice.
We want respect. RESPECT. Whether you rationalize it or try to justify it, we want you to know we need you to respect us.
We want it in the morning, afternoon and evening.
We want it served in private and in public.
We want it spoken, acted and demonstrated.
We want it when we are there and when we are not.
We want it when you are with your family and when you are with your colleagues.
We want it when you are hanging out with your girls and when you are spending time with the kids.
We want it now. We want it always.
It could come in different forms and shapes.
It could be symbolized in ‘That is daddy’s cup, please don’t use it.’
It could be tagged in a dish that is exclusive ours, not for the kids and not for guests.
It could be shown when you tell your girls, ‘My husband will be home soon, I need to leave now.’
Our definition for love is RESPECT.
Our definition for care is RESPECT.
Our definition for attention is RESPECT.
It’s not synonymous to fear, it’s just simple, cordial, unassuming, ordinary, RESPECT.
We take this long to explain it because every other point will make no sense without it.
- Some things take time.
We know the dreams you have and we know your aspirations but can you be patient with us? We may not be there yet but we need you to appreciate the effort we are making, even if they are baby steps. That Akam bought his Range Rover Sport last year does not mean you should pile pressure on us to get one immediately. We are running on our lanes.
- We need you to put us first.
We understand you are doing a lot, taking care of the home, alongside your work schedule alongside taking care of the children. But we still want to know that we come first in your scheme of things. We want to know you prioritize us above your work, the kids, the church and friends. We want to be first and we don’t want to fight you to keep that position.
- We need to be needed
You probably are making your own money, it’s not impossible. Don’t get it twisted and don’t let it enter your head, it’s important for us to know you need us regardless. So don’t just carry on like we do not matter. We didn’t marry your resume, we married you.
We are not ashamed to say that your need for us is part of what makes us feel like a man. Don’t let your successful career or fantastic job make you lose your feminine soft side.
Go and be the boss out there, but come home and be our baby.
We need to be needed.
- We like treats too.
Of course, we do. We will like to be taken out on a date, not just on our birthdays or Father’s day. Just a random appreciative dinner, the way you also like it. Spoil us a little once in a while and treat us like kings. We are really not allergic to it.
- Do not take us for granted
The tendency to ‘see finish’ is always there. That we’ve been together for this length of time could make you treat us with contempt. Don’t let that happen. As men we tend to gravitate towards where our egos are constantly massaged. Don’t make us vulnerable to the wolves in secretary clothing out there.
- We admit we look
We concede we look at random ladies sometimes, maybe when we are driving or when we are just taking a walk. You see, honestly, you cannot legislate against these things. But, seriously, it’s just a look, nothing more. And seriously, it’s been proven that our head turns before our brain is aware. So, please, don’t make any sporadic quick glance become a subject of infidelity. No one is taking your place.
- Nagging doesn’t solve any problem
Your incessant whining and complaints will not get anything done. Rather it repels us.
Stress is a major turn off for us. Your nagging is a major major stress. Do you get?
Sometimes you just need to relax. Everything will be fine. Stop complaining about everything. Enjoy the moment. The kids will be fine. Tomorrow will be better. Be positive. Negativity is depressing. We don’t want to come home to nagging and negativity
- We need some alone time once in a while
We understand that when you are quiet, it could be because you are upset or there is an issue you want us to talk about. It’s not same with us when we are quiet.
Sometimes we just need space to process and think. Some alone time to unwind, a few minutes to be left alone. It’s not anything you’ve done, there’s no issue to discuss – we are just resting. At those times, please don’t ask, ‘what’s on your mind?’ because nothing is on our minds. It’s just some quiet we need.
- We need you to live within our means.
You don’t have to buy every Aso-ebi of all your friends’ weddings. You don’t have to buy the next trending shoes or bags or clothes. Some purchases are unnecessary. And it’s not everything we can afford. So your asking for this and that gets on our nerves. Every official dinner is not an opportunity to shop for new clothes and shoes. You can use the ones you already have. Be nice and considerate a little.
- We are not mind-readers
If we ask you, ‘what’s wrong’ just say what it is so that we all can be fine. When you say Nothing, then Nothing is wrong.
Don’t come back three hours later and throw tantrums that we do not care, we do not love you and we are not sensitive. We asked and you said Nothing! Come on, we are not wizards and we cannot enter your faculty to bring whatever it is out. The hints you think you give may not help, the mood swings may not help either, just open your mouth and say what the problem is.
We are not mind readers.
- Get the memo when we are broke
If you notice we are unusually edgy, unusually snappy and unusually rusty, get the memo, we are broke.
If you notice our temper is bizarrely ridiculous and we go off at the slightest irritation, we are broke. Sometimes it gets so bad we even take offence at your attempt to be humorous or funny. It’s our pocket speaking.
If you catch us bitterly criticizing all the government policies and how the politicians are embezzling and you observe all our veins coming out and our voice in high notes, get the memo already.
- Show some gratitude for the things we do
Appreciate all that we do. Commend the effort we are making. If you don’t, no one else will.
Some dose of encouragement works magic.
Any cheer or inspiration elsewhere don’t count as much as yours. If you applaud the things we do well more, chances are that we will get better and even do more.
Don’t hoard the praise. Be generous with it.
- Tell us when we are not speaking your language
We do not boast that we know the ABC of romance. Remember when we were little, while they got you girls dollies to play with, they bought us toy guns and soccer balls. We were not groomed.
Most times we just don’t know. If you could tell us how you want to be treated, we will act accordingly. Don’t assume we know. And don’t drop hints thinking we would figure, just simply tell us.
- Sex must be frequent enough
Sweetheart, this is very important.
We think about sex a thousand( if not million) times more than you do, that’s the honest truth. Try and meet us half way, please. It’s the way our bodies have been wired. Truly, it’s no fault of ours. We don’t want to fill a form before we get it. We don’t want to be checking if we have behaved well during the day before we make the move. And we sure don’t want you regarding it as one of your to-do list items. It’s not a chore, it is important to us.
- We need you to also initiate sex
It is not a crime, the heavens will not fall down, and your reputation and dignity will not drop one bar if you initiate sex too sometimes. Come on! Let’s know you want this thing just like we want too. So make the move, lead us on. Play with us.
Also, remember we are like microwaves – we may not always go through the long process of getting you up. It’s not our fault, it’s the testosterone. So indulge us sometimes, when we are up, babe, we are up!
- Yes! Still on the matter of sex…(it’s that important it took 3 points)
Lack of sex and lack of money are two major ego spoilers. Please take note. Even if the latter cannot be adequate enough, we expect that we would not suffer in the former. But what we realized is that, once we are broke, you lock up the Chambers. Haba! Do you want to kill us?! Even Lucipher was not that wicked! Na beg we beg.
- Support is very romantic
We are not so ecstatic about flowers or roses and we may not find a walk in the park that romantic. We know you do. But when you pick up a few bills (instead of picking up flowers) and support us nothing can be more romantic. When you meet an unspoken need that we have, it is the best romantic gesture ever.
- Stop comparing us with your friends’ husbands
Stop comparing us with your friend’s husbands or any other man for that matter. Even when you don’t categorially say it, you sometimes imply it when you begin to catalogue all the things Mr A did for Mrs A on her birthday. And all the new deco and interior Mr C just installed in their new house. Come on, we get the message already! We are trying our level best. It will be disastrous if we begin to change figures in the office so we can please you.
The grass may be greener on the other side (it may be artificial grass sometimes), but the fact that you are looking is what’s been killing your own grass this whole time.
- Be a little more creative in the kitchen.
Repeated menus can get boring sometimes. Be adventurous, make a little effort and explore new horizons. Tweak it a little.
- Allow us lead
Back off and allow us lead. That we don’t decide right away on a matter is no indication we want you to take over the reins of the marriage.
And we don’t have to lead how you want us to. We know you got your degrees from Harvard and you are the boss at the office. The rules are different here. Please back off. If you are unsure, pray. Just don’t stand in our corner.
- Forgive and let go
We know you have a memory like a well-ordered cupboard. But when you choose to only remember the bad or worst about us, we get worried.
Remember that mistake we made five years ago? Of course, you remember! You have been shoving it in our faces at every opportunity. When are you going to stop referring to it? When are you going to let go? When? That we goofed then does not mean we will goof again. Come on, it’s five years after and we still feel the weight like we did it yesterday. It has become an albatross you wove round our neck and we can never do anything right.
Can you forgive and let’s move on? We don’t have to be paying for the sin every year or every month.
We cannot even greet any woman again without you reminding us. We cannot smile at anyone again without you pinching us. Are we going to be like this forever?
‘Sweetheart, once again, I am sorry. Can we start a new page?’
A man needs love more when he fails than when he succeeds.
- We care about your appearance
We know it will be too much, maybe unrealistic to think that your figure will remain as it was on our wedding day or that your tummy will remain flat like that. But we don’t want you to just let yourself go, you know what we mean.
Wait a minute….it’s not like we are complaining about your size, it’s just that we suffer with you when you don’t like yourself. Your unhappiness about your size and the way you are grumpy about it gets to us. We are not happy when you are not happy.
So we just want you to make some effort. Not gym in the morning and eat Garri at 8pm kind of effort. We mean real effort and discipline. It will make you happy and of course, we are beneficiaries too.
No! We will not deny the fact that your staying in shape is our pride in public, when we are with friends, reunions or get-togethers. Yes, we care about your appearance. And yes, we like to show off too when our wives look smashing. If you don’t know, you are our clothing.
- We cry too
As much as we loathe admitting it, it’s true.
As much as we don’t show it or let you see, it’s true.
A lot of times we try to be strong for both of us. But we do cry too, you know. The load gets heavier. The pressure at work gets bigger. We wonder if we are making the right decisions. Other times we are just depressed we are running late on achieving the dreams we have. And when we are alone in the car with the windows wound up we just drive and let the tears drop.
It’s not every time we get it, dear. Once in a while, please ask how we are doing?
- All men are not dogs!
All those old wives’ fables declaring all men as dogs, all men are the same, all men cheat, all men lie and so on, are so not true!
The old women that sold those lies to you did so based on their experiences with the men they had. They spoke and wrote based on the men that left them and the men they left. One, we are not those men.
Two, we are not those men.
And three, WE ARE NOT THOSE MEN!!
It is about time you stopped seeing us through their eyes. It is high time you saw us through the eyes of the true Father, in whom there is no variableness and no shadow of turning.
Stop punishing us for the sins their men committed. Stop punishing us for the wrongs that were done to them. It is unfair when you mistreat us for the mistakes our fathers made. It is ungracious when you label us for harms we knew nothing about. It’s sad if daddy didn’t do well with mummy, but, we are not that daddy! Okay?
We may not be perfect, we may not be there yet, but if you can exert just a little percentage of the energy you apply in believing the worst about us and believe the best about us, you will be shocked at the result you’ll get.
There are still a few good men! And we are so proud to say so. We are willing to write our own story. We are ready to blaze the trail for this new generation of men.
- Pray for us.
If you ever wonder how you can get us to be the man that is custom-designed for you, get on your knees and watch God do a make-over.
Photo credit: Google images
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